Shame and Internalised Stigma

When one is feeling rejected because of who they naturally are, a deep psychological phenomenon happens: shame.

Most Queer people have a sense of being different from others, usually as far back as they can remember, in early childhood. Of course, then, the young person cannot put words like ‘gay’ or ‘sexuality’ or ‘homophobia’ into those uncomfortable feelings. So, instead, they have to make sense of those feelings the best they can. Often, the young queer person translates those feelings into thoughts such as: ‘There is something wrong with me’. Or ‘I am bad’. Or ‘I am wrong’. Or ‘I am not good enough’. These thoughts feel so true at the time that they become embedded in the psyche, they become core beliefs, and the young queer person grows up until adulthood retaining those core beliefs. By adulthood, those core beliefs are so deep-seated that they are even unconscious. We call this phenomenon: internalised stigma However, being unconscious does not mean dormant. In fact, it is the opposite. Those unconscious core beliefs are dynamic, and they often pull the strings and run the show. It means that an intelligent fully grown queer person can make decisions based on core beliefs rather than on the reality is that in front of them.

Those core beliefs become triggered especially in situations when we feel vulnerable. We feel vulnerable when we go on a first date, when we have sex, when we try to connect to others, when we want to be liked, when we want to feel accepted. Those core beliefs are the great motor of one of the most distressing human feelings: shame.